I’m thinking of writing a film about the new Government. So far, this is what I’ve got: Scene 1: Whitehall, where the (relatively) newly-installed Conservative-Liberal Democrat cabinet is still quite excited about being in charge, bouncing on the chairs and running up and down the corridors, that sort of thing.

Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister, walks thoughtfully into the office of David Cameron, the Prime Minister, a piece of paper in his hand. He is about to speak, then looks around, distractedly.

NC: You’ve knocked through to the office next door.

DC: Yes, it was getting a bit cramped in here, what with me being Prime Minister and a very important chap and all that.

NC: Oh. You know that broom cupboard down the hall?

DC: Not really. Why?

NC: I’m still using that as an office. You said I could have a bigger one when things settled down.

DC: I’ll get right on to it. As soon as I’ve taken over the offices upstairs and had a spiral staircase installed. Is that the list?

NC: This? Yes, this is it. The list of stuff we can get rid of.

DC: Let’s hear it, then.

NC: Well, we’ve already got rid of those plans for free school meals they were talking about in Bradford...

DC: Quite right, too.

NC: And the free swimming...

DC: Don’t these people have swimming pools?

NC: ...and the Building Schools For The Future...

DC: Yes, yes, we know all about that stuff. What else have we got?

NC: Well, did you know there’s a UK Film Council?

DC: Not any more there isn’t! Next!

NC: Incapacity benefit?

DC: Cut it!

NC: I’ve also been thinking about the NHS...

DC: Cut, cut, cut!

NC: What, all of it?

DC: Well, does anybody actually use it?

NC: Apparently...

DC: They’ll just have to go private. Cut!

NC: I’ve also been looking at the BBC...

DC: Cut it! Everybody’s got Sky, haven’t they?

NC: Well, that’s about it for my list...

DC: Cut it!

NC: Sorry?

DC: Cut! Cut! Cut!

NC: I was thinking we could talk about my office again...

DC: Cut it.

NC: What, my office? But it’s only a broom cupboard!

DC: C-U-T.

NC: Well, I suppose I could share the disabled toilet with Menzies-Campbell...

DC: That’s cut as well...

NC: Where is it all going to end?

Director: Cut.