NOTHING on earth can drain the confidence of a subject people in its political masters than the so-called 'Committee for Cool' or 'Panel 2000,' as the Foreign Secretary prefers to call it.

Does anybody - and that includes the blockheads who created it - have the slightest idea what this committee is supposed to do for the people of this country?

We have 33 individuals, including a newsreader from Channel 4, a woman who appears on the moronic TV show 'Gladiators' and MInister without portfolio or, I might add, any discernible human characteristics, Peter Mandelson, as well as others too tedious to mention, who are, as far as I can tell, the personification of New Labour 90s 'Britain.'

What foreigners will make of it I shudder to think - especially when they get a chance to view the new video produced by the Government to accompany the panel of late 20th century British icons.

Robin Cook said: "This is not an exercise in rebranding, or in creating an image. It is about projecting our identity, the

reality of Britain today."

Alarmingly, among the plethora of silly images included on the 'Britain' video is footage of the American Space Shuttle.

Although I was aware that the most

ignorant people in this country can find nothing more interesting to do than ape American culture, dress and social habits, I had not realised those in charge of shaping our future existence had completely fooled themselves into believing we are actually US citizens.

Nelson Mandela is also on the video for reasons I completely fail to grasp, but perhaps this marvellous man has been secretly given a British passport.

Incidentally, has anyone else noticed that the South African President has undergone a remarkable transformation since his release from prison and subsequent election as the country's first black leader.

Every time I hear him speak on the radio he is beginning to sound progressively less like a native of Africa and more like a native of Tokyo.

Long years of imprisonment suddenly terminated by elevation into sainthood may have triggered this remarkable tendency of Mr Mandela to turn Japanese, unless it has something to do with the behaviour of his eccentric former wife.

Whatever the cause, a Nobel Prize

winning scientific study is awaiting researchers with the boldness to

investigate the phenomena.

But to get back to the point, the image of the British held by foreigners is not at all flattering and something positive should be done about it.

We are chiefly associated with xenophobia; football hooliganism; insatiable appetites for English breakfasts, lager and casual sex with greasy waiters; Bobby Charlton; and a complete inability to speak a word of any other language than our own, and only a limited number of words of that, mostly beginning with the letter 'F.'

Whether this image will be improved by ambassadors of the calibre of a woman 'Gladiator, ' whiter-than-white MP Martin Bell and Paul McCartney's daughter, I very much doubt, but at least our French-speaking Prime Minister has made the effort.

I am convinced that our most successful durable cultural ambassador will be 'Noddy' who appears on the Britain video alongside Oasis and The Spice Girls.

But rather than being shoe-horned into the same cultural milieu as two offensive Mancunians and a bunch of girl-power bimbos, poor Noddy - having bravely survived the harrowing ordeal of politically correct re-education - would better

promote our image abroad accompanied by another puppet, Postman Pat.

Both, commendably, have connections with Wharfedale - Enid Blyton's daughter and Postman Pat's creator both live here - and both, despite having heads carved from solid wood, certainly display more intelligence and grace than most of the rest of our cultural so-called immortals.

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.