The Government, in its infinite wisdom, is about to launch a new campaign in a bid to raise self-esteem among girls. Apparently the female of the species is more downtrodden than the male - despite supposed equality of opportunity, women are still tidying up after men, saying 'yes' to men when actually they mean 'no, clear off', being paid less than men for doing the same jobs and on top of all that, being constantly bombarded with images of (alleged) perfect womanhood by the media. No wonder we're depressed.

So who are ministers enlisting the help of in order to redress the balance? Who are the bright young things who are going to champion our cause and make the world see that you do not have to be blonde and buxom to get ahead? Why, none other than teen pop singing sensation Billie who at the age of 16 has a string of hits under her belt. Or is it a skirt? Our Billie, you see, is also rather comely and I cannot imagine her saying anything remotely revolutionary or inspiring as her first hit single was about a fight with her mother. When asked: "Why do you listen to your music so loud?" her reply was, and wait for this insightful, nay, mind-blowing answer: "Because we want to!" Because we want to?

The other legendary female being considered for this important role is none other than former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell. Of course, no discussion about female emancipation could be complete without a (cringe worthy) reference to Girl Power. Ginger Spice, however, is a hero to many people: she is a wonderful example of how far you can get in this country without having looks or talent.

Since she left the Spicies, our Geri has changed her image. Instead of being that loud-mouthed gal with a tendency to spill out of her clothes, she is now mature and refined and sang "Happy Birthday" to the Prince of Wales. She was still spilling out of her clothes, though, which was odd as she had enough material in her skirt to keep an entourage of hippies in flares for a year, but there wasn't enough at the top to cover her poor chest.

And she has dyed her hair. It is a sad fact (especially if you are a brunette) that being blonde, skinny and beautiful virtually guarantees you a television career eg Ulrika Johnson, Zoe Ball, Denise van Outen, Samantha Janus. Would milkmaid-turned-vet Trude Mostue have turned heads and shot to stardom and the cover of the Radio Times had she not had long flaxen locks and been stunning to look at?

Some may argue that I am being hysterical and that anyone can be on the cover of the Radio Times - even Maureen from the Driving School programme, but the hidden message there is that it is all right to laugh at women drivers.

Which brings me to the most horrific car advert of all time on tv at the moment starring 'supermodel' Claudia Schiffer who does a full strip before driving off. Hopefully to get psychiatric help.

Doesn't anyone realise that we'd all have more self-esteem if rubbish like this was banned? My friends and I would like to give Ms Schiffer a good slap on the wrist for her embarrassing performance and lack of self-respect.

Why? Because we REALLY, REALLY WANT TO!!!

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.