THE question is: what was all the fuss about? I mean, the media was full of it for months, people invested millions into it and lost most of it, but in the end, the public refused to be conned. And now, of course, all is forgotten...

We are talking here of 12 months ago, when the world - so we were told - was in the grip of Millennium fever. As it turned out, the newspapers, radio and the telly, big business and certain polticians were in that particular grip. For the rest us, good old fashioned commonsense held sway.

However, here in Beggarsdale, we did get one final memory of Millennium Year in its dying days, thanks to Owd Tom and Hermione Hyphen-Hyphen, who opened her new school for musicians and thespians at the Big House just in time for Christmas.

By way of a treat, the new arrivals, no doubt in a pre-emptive strike to win over village opinion, laid on a majestic performance of Cinderella - majestic, that is, apart from two of its main characters.

The Ugly Sisters were played by none other than Owd Tom and The Innkeeper and a right pair they looked with busts, bustles and wigs piled high enough to be a nesting place for the rooks in the Big House beeches.

Just how Owd Tom was talked into this was a bit of a mystery but Hermione is a pretty lass in a way-out sort of way and Tom, despite his age, can still be highly susceptible to feminine charms.

The Innkeeper made no bones about his participation: a couple of dozen new young people in the village is very good for business indeed at the Beggars' Arms and he felt it a good move to reciprocate some of the good will.

As it turned out later, the Innkeeper was even more nervous than Tom when the Big Night finally arrived. The two met in secret at the Beggars' a couple of hours before curtain up and, it would appear, Dutch courage was consumed in some quantity. It might have ended there had The Innkeeper not hidden a flask of single malt in his ample dcolletage...

The rest is history. The sisters were the unchallenged stars of the show, with the possible exception of Hermione as Prince Charming, although it not certain whether or not some of their more exaggerated gestures were quite as rehearsed.

It came to an unexpected finale as Tom jammed the glass slipper onto his enormous foot (believed to be the first time it had been seen in public sans welly since the Coronation).

He, the Innkeeper and Prince Charming huffed and puffed, heaved and hauled, to little effect. Then, with one mighty groan, Tom came free like a cork from a bottle - straight off the stage into the bass drum in the orchestra pit.

It did, of course, bring the house down. Afterwards, Tom claimed the move had been carefully scripted. The fact that an empty whisky flask had popped from The Innkeeper's bosom in the fray somewhat detracted from these assertions.

Whatever the truth of the matter, Owd Tom gave the whole Dale something by which to remember Millennium Year - just a couple of days before the final curtain came down. Happy New Year next year folks!

* The Curmudgeon is a satirical column based on a fictitious character in a mythical village.