The Curmudgeon

The police, who cover the Dale from their base on the moon, will no doubt dismiss it as "petty" crime. To us locals, it has been a big jolt to our traditional peace of mind.

We have had crime before. Owd Tom is still glowering about the loss of his all-terrain buggy, which was nicked about a year ago. Its replacement now lives in the barn enshrouded by chains big enough to raise the Titanic.

There has been vandalism, too, with dry-stone walls damaged, broken bottles tossed into fields where sheep graze, and a rock thrown through the windows of the Beggars' Arms.

But this was organised crime, a planned and slickly executed sweep through the village in the early hours of Sunday when all good living folk were safely a-bed.

Now, for townies, I suppose the term "organised crime" means drug trafficking, loan sharking, protection rackets and the like. We don't have that sort of thing yet, thank goodness, but the thieves who struck last weekend left a lot of distress behind.

Curmudgeon Corner was a target. They only got into the kitchen but they stole a canteen of silver cutlery that had been a family heirloom for generations. They also took an ornamental chimney, used as a plant holder. Worth £80, so we are told.

They took an expensive sit-on lawn mower from Jetset's outhouse, an old stone trough from Teacher Tess's backyard, and two lion head busts from the gateposts of the Old Vicarage, a move which enraged owner Maggots Money-Grubber because, he says, they had been specially sculptured at £1,000 apiece. (I expect the insurance company will examine this claim in some detail).

They even raided the allotments, jemmying their way into sheds and stealing tools, a major blow to Ben the Bucket who had replaced all his equipment after his shed was washed away when the beck flooded.

Ben hasn't been able to find work since the quarry closed 15 years ago and, in comparative terms, his loss is the worst of the lot because insurance companies won't cover allotment sheds (too risky) and he couldn't afford the premiums even if they did.

Strange thing is that, this week, the Government also announced that police recruitment figures were soaring, just in time for a general election. Where these new bobbies are going is a mystery to us Beggarsdalians.

A police sergeant flew in by spaceship and gave us a talk at the Institute on Tuesday to help us set up a Countryside Watch scheme. By this time, the horse had not only bolted but the stable was bare.

A nice enough guy, this sergeant, but when we pressed him for more police patrols, he could only shrug his shoulders and mutter: "Resources, resources."

So it looks as though we shall have to protect our own property but even that is dangerous: take action against a thief and it is you, not the thief, who is likely to end up in clink. Tough, being a law-abiding citizen these days.

* The Curmudgeon is a satirical column based on a fictitious character in a mythical village.