Group helps to ease the grief for youngsters

With no sign of ill health he simply went to work one day and never came home.

And his sudden death two and a half years ago left his wife Amanda and children Christopher, Andrew, Jamie and Abigail traumatised.

But out of one family's tragedy a new service has now been set up to offer help to children who have been affected by bereavement.

The Moving On project, based beside Yeadon Tarn, gives youngsters who have suffered loss the chance to mix with others in the same position.

The scheme, which was launched in September, is unique for this area, and is believed to be the only one of its kind in the country.

Amanda, 38, who is an education welfare officer at Guiseley School, was the instigator of the idea after experiencing first hand the lack of provision for children who had lost a loved one.

With children ranging in age from nine to mid-teens Amanda admits she struggled to meet their emotional needs while dealing with her own intense grief.

She said: "It was a complete shock. John wasn't even ill - we had had a holiday the week before in France and he was fine. "There were no signs of illness or anything. He just went to work on the Monday morning and never came home.

"He had lost his sister the year before to cancer - so in the space of a year the children had lost their aunt and their father."

She said although her youngest daughter had had some counselling the older ones were not interested - and there wasn't really anything else for them.

The loss of their father impacted on the children in different ways. One had a lot of time off sick, and another began to develop low level behaviour problems.

And in the midst of their grief the youngsters suffered a range of emotions including anger at their father for leaving them.

She said: "I found it really difficult and, looking back, I wonder if I handled it in the right way. For the first year I would never cry in front of them. I didn't want to upset them and they didn't want to upset me."

And she said the death of one parent could leave the children having to adapt not just to the loss of a mother or father but to a whole new family situation.

"I don't think they lose just one parent - in a sense they lose both. You are never the same as you were before because you have to be different, you have to try to be both mother and father.

"I have to work full-time just to keep our heads above water. In a way they lose the complete lifestyle they are used to."

As an education welfare officer Amanda was well placed to find support for her children.

But she said: "As someone who knew what should be out there I couldn't find anything for them. And I thought how much harder it must be for parents who have no idea where to start."

"I just thought there was nothing out there for kids. They felt they were very much on their own, and that no-one else had lost a parent."

But now she hopes that gap is being filled with the Moving On project which came into being after she discussed the problem with Jo Todkill, the youth worker at Guiseley School.

Jo, 29, runs the service with fellow youth worker Matt Guy, 25, and with help from Amanda, who is a volunteer.

Now children who have lost a parent or a close family member are being offered the chance to meet up with others who understand their suffering.

But because the group is activity based the young people are able to have fun whilst being given the opportunity to talk through their emotions, benefiting from the support of their peers.

Amanda said: "It gives the kids chance to talk if they want to. But we also wanted to make it clear that life goes on and it is OK to have fun. Sometimes what we have picked up is this feeling that it is not OK to have fun after someone has died."

Jo agrees: "Although we do some therapeutic work we are not counsellors. This is more of an activity based programme where the young people who come can foster a mutual identity.

"They have all got one thing in common, and they gain support from each other.

She stressed: "It is not just sitting around talking about death and dying - we do all sorts, and we are able to have a laugh and a joke."

The children, who have just returned from a trip to the Lake District, regularly have outings such as ice-skating and activities such as cooking

Taking part in normal activities with people who are in the same boat can a relief for youngsters who are often treated differently when they lose someone they love.

Jo explained: "We find that people don't relate the same way to the kids once they have had a death in the family.

"For instance they might say something like 'I could kill you' - and then immediately say sorry.

"People in this country do find death incredibly difficult to deal with - so a lot of people rather than put their foot in it say nothing at all."

But at Moving On the young bereaved people feel free to talk - or not talk - about their loss.

Because everyone is in the same situation no-one is embarrassed and they relate to one another in a natural way.

Three of Amanda's children attend the group, which has eight members at present, and she is convinced of the benefits for them.

Jo too says she no doubt about the project's value to the children and young people who use it - especially where they have felt unable to talk to their families because they too are grieving.

She said research had shown a link between mental problems as adults and a child losing someone in their formative years.

Additionally a death in the family can lead to a higher risk of offending in young men and of problems with body image for girls.

She believes those risks make it all the more important that bereaved youngsters are able to get the sort of help they are offering.

Moving On is there for anyone between the ages of 11 and 25 who has lost someone close to them - not necessarily a parent.

The fledgling service is already taking people from across Leeds, and is open to anyone in the area who is able to get to the meetings on a Monday night.

Eventually organisers hope the scheme will be adopted by other areas give help to more young people who so desparately need it.

Moving On can be contacted on 0113 2508300.