THE date 05/05/05 will live in Beggarsdale history for many a long year. This, I should point out to the technologically challenged, is how computers registered last Thursday: the fifth day of the fifth month of the fifth year.

History will record it as the date of the most boring General Election in the history of what we laughingly call "Parliamentary democracy."

But to us Beggarsdalians, it was the day that Teacher Tess got dragged in by the fuzz (i.e. taken in for questioning by the boys in blue) in an enquiry ordered by an election observer from Poland.

He was trying to find what happened to thousands of postal votes that went missing in the inner city constituency where Tess had been working like a dog for the Labour Party the past month or so.

Now no-one in the Dale cared over much about who won the election - no-one in Parliament has the faintest idea how the countryside works - but we all sat up until sometime after 2 am when the result in Tess's constituency was announced.

And it became one of the mysteries which will make 05/05/05 stand out in our memories. Not because of the result but of all the allegations and rebuttals that the polls had been subverted and undermined, "banana republic" style, in the words of an eminent judge.

We knew that something serious was up when Teacher Tim, Tess's long-suffering husband, went into the post office and bought a litre bottle of Scotch from the off-licence last Friday evening. This is an unusual event at any time, considering Mean Mike's sky-high prices, but our teacher friends have never been known to drink hard liquor: Tess is a chardonnay spritzer type and Tim is allowed the occasional half of Ram's Blood if he behaves himself.

"No Tess tonight," asked Mike, curious because Tess does all the shopping. Tim managed to stutter: "No - she's been unavoidably detained" and fled.

It was not until the papers came on Saturday that we discovered that "detained" was absolutely the right word: the peelers had taken in most of the city politicians, Labour and Tory, for questioning. Officials from the parties had been round days before the election warning workers that postal votes would be carefully scrutinised. The reason was clear: although many voters had requested postal ballots, they had decided not to use them. Strange!

We had not seen hide nor hair of Tim and Tess until Tuesday evening, when they came into the Beggars' Arms all spruced up and proceeded to celebrate with their mates Dr Spot, his boiler-suited partner Des, and the Quiet Couple from Coney Cottage.

"Done thar bit for democracy, then, Tess?" growled Owd Tom through the fumes from his vile pipe. Tess turned her back. There are times when even the politically active are best advised to keep their mouths shut.

* The Curmudgeon is a satirical column based on a fictitious character in a mythical village.