In honour of it being the Glastonbury Festival this weekend, which I will not be attending because I am officially a boring old bloke, I have compiled my list of top ten Glastonbury memories from my extensive visits to the Field of Dreams throughout the Nineties and early Naughties.

Bear in mind that these are the anecdotes a) which are fit for publication and b) that I can actually remember.


So, in no particular order of merit:

1 Sitting in a sofa directly facing the BBC outside broadcast unit and managing to put DJ Andy Kershaw completely off his stride throughout the duration of his own programme. Who had brought the sofa to Glastonbury I have no idea.

2 Being given a plastic laminate pass with no intrinsic value by a Primal Scream roadie who told us that we had now been charged by the Queen herself with guarding the band’s Winebago.

3 Having "comedy" business cards printed at a service station, arriving at Glastonbury and handing one to the first person we met backstage, which was Keith Allen. Doing the same thing the following year and meeting Keith Allen again, who looked slightly perplexed and possibly a little afraid.

4 Talking to the festival goer who spent the entire weekend tied up in a hessian sack and sitting in the Green Field pretending to be a (very convincing) being from another planet.

5 Being convinced for very long time that Radio 1 DJ Annie Nightingale’s husband was, in fact, Jarvis Cocker from Pulp, much to his initial puzzlement, then consternation, then downright anger.

6 Seeing the rather sweet sight of the real Jarvis Cocker then leading his elderly mother through the mud. And realising that he looked nothing like Annie Nightingale’s husband.

7 The mud. Oh, God, the mud. The 1997 festival, the year of the mud, possibly the worst experience I have ever had. Came home with something akin to trenchfoot, which First World War soldiers endured.

8 Seeing progressive techno outfit Orbital in 1994 and having an epiphany about the Godlike attributes of electronic music that shook me out of my indie guitar phase for a good six or seven years.

9 Standing in the queue for the toilets with Noel Gallagher and then watching the Oasis brothers playing football with Robbie Williams, who the following week quit Take That.

10 Sleeping in the car backstage and waking up to find MTV had set up an impromptu interview area alongside. Asked my mate: "Is that Bjork leaning on the passenger door?" before falling back asleep and waking up an hour later to see Jay Kay from Jamiroquai. Asked the MTV bloke if he’d filmed us snoring and drooling. He said "no" then giggled and walked away.