Blimey, only 50 weeks to Christmas. One week into 2008 and precisely nothing seems to have happened, much.

Well, on a noteworthy-to-the-rest-of-us sort of scale, I'm talking about. I'm sure that on a more ultra-local level, there's been all sorts of interesting/terrible things happening to people. Some people will have died, some will have been born, some will have won the lottery, others will have found worrying pimples on their bums.

But what might the rest of the year hold? In a device beloved of lazy columnists, yet rendered all the more impressively lazy by being a week later than everyone else, I'm going to present to you my comical predictions for 2008.

Crikey, the year's only a week old and I'm already displaying a depressing world-weariness. Anyway, here we go: January: The amount of activity on the Broadway site in the middle of Bradford sends various factions into a frenzy. Supporters of the scheme say this is the start of big things; detractors will switch from complaining about the delayed start to complaining that they don't want a new shopping centre anyway.

February: So many people on the T&A's online forum post messages saying that Bradford/the T&A/themselves are utter rubbish that the website implodes and creates a Star Trek-style wormhole that sucks all the posters into it.

March: Demolition work begins on the old Odeon cinema. Demolition is halted when it is discovered all the T&A forum users sucked into the wormhole were deposited in the Odeon and have set up their own society, thinking they are in a far-off apocalyptic future. They refuse to come out.

April: Petrol hits £3.50 a litre. All the stray horses in Bradford are rounded up and used to pull the buses around.

May: A family of rare newts is found on the Broadway site. Work is abandoned.

June: Girls Aloud lead a big live gig of local bands to save the rare newts found on the Broadway site. Someone from Smoke accidently stands on the newts. Work on the shopping centre resumes.

July: The T&A forum users finally come out of the Odeon, accepting that it is 2008 and not the End of Time. Demolition resumes.

August: The hottest summer on record, due to global warming. The Broadway shopping centre melts. The T&A forum users, seeing this as an omen of the End of the World, invade City Hall.

September: The rogue T&A forumites depose Bradford Council in a bloodless coup and vote to have the city renamed Badford: Where everything's rubbish and that's the way we like it.

October: Girls Aloud, dressed in SWAT gear, are air-lifted into City Hall to put down the coup by T&A forumites. The status quo is restored and the Girls' latest single, Newt World Order, goes straight to number one forever.

November: Nothing much really happens.

December: The Broadway shopping centre opens for business ahead of schedule, but unfortunately the worst winter ever recorded means people can't get to the shops. The T&A forumites, now reduced to shambling wrecks on the streets of Bradford, shout in unison: "We told you so!" but no-one really knows what they're on about.