No gain – and this is certainly a pain

Based on an outlandish true crime, comedy caper Pain & Gain seems a snug fit for director Michael Bay.

Ever since he blitzkrieged the big screen with his 1995 buddy cop movie Bad Boys, the Los Angeles-born film-maker has elevated macho posturing and wanton destruction to preposterous heights.

So this unlikely tale of three steroid-pumped Miami gym bunnies, who live the American dream by kidnapping a wealthy businessman and torturing their hostage for his fortune is no different.

In the plot, wheeler-dealer Danny Lugo (Wahlberg) secures a position as manager of the Sun Gym, where he grows envious of the rich and fabulous lifestyle of some of his unfit clients.

In particular, Danny yearns to splash the cash like Victor Kershaw (Shalhoub).

So the money-oriented meathead devises a hare-brained scheme to abduct Kershaw, aided by two fellow adrenaline junkies: personal trainer Adrian Doorbal (Mackie), who has been rendered impotent through steroid abuse, and ex-con Paul Doyle (Johnson), who has turned his life around on the outside thanks to Jesus.

Danny, Paul and Adrian are woefully inept and its takes them more than one attempt to capture and restrain their target.

The trio quickly discover that Kershaw won’t sign over his assets without a fight.

Scenes of torture escalate into attempted murder but their target proves remarkably resilient and – miraculously – escapes.

The police fail to believe his crazy story so Kershaw turns to retired private detective Ed Du Bois (Harris) to bring Danny and his buddies to justice before they can adapt their plan for another unsuspecting victim (Rispoli).

Wahlberg, Johnson and Mackie embrace the dim-wittedness of their characters by forgetting to act.

The 129-minute running time is as exhausting as any gym workout, with none of the cardiovascular benefits.

It’s all pain with almost nothing to gain from our point of view.