Clap, clap, clap.

That is the sound of me giving slow, ironic applause to whoever thought it was a great idea to smash up my kids’ school one evening this week. Just in case that was you (although probably you can’t read, so maybe not) then let me spell out that I’m not actually applauding you, I’m being sarcastic.

I wonder what prompted you to do it? I bet it was because you were bored. ‘There’s nothing to do round here, you probably said to yourselves. Nobody cares about us. Nobody gives us anything. Hey, why don’t we go and vandalise the school?’ Maybe you used to go to that school. Maybe you didn’t have a very nice time there, and wanted to exact revenge against some slight or other by the teachers. I can’t imagine what, though. It’s hardly Bash Street, or Dotheboys Hall (you might want to get someone to look those up for you, on the internet. They’re both schools. One’s in a book, so you probably won’t have heard of it. One’s in a comic, which still might be above your level).

The point is, it isn’t the sort of school where you were beaten three times a day and force-fed gruel at lunchtimes, so you haven’t really got much argument for justifying what you did.

Shall we look at what you did, in fact? You smashed the windows. You broke into a shed. You ripped signs off the wall – and this is also incredibly ironic, so you might not get it – signs that encourage children to be nice to each other. Then you took play equipment and threw it over a fence and into a stream. That’s play equipment. Sorry if those are long words for you, but break them down. Play. Equip. Ment. For small children.

Go you, you big, bad, gangstas. You’re proper criminals now, right? Hey, maybe when they catch you, and you get sent to a juvenile detention centre, you can brag about how you smashed up some small children’s play equipment. I bet they’ll be really impressed, the proper crooks and violent cases who you’ll be in there with.

Or maybe, just maybe, you’re raging against the injustice of the world. Maybe this is your way of sending a message to those in authority that you’re not happy with the way things are. Maybe you’re just being rebellious.

Let me tell you something: Che Guevara never smashed school windows. You want to make a point? Then channel that energy into something constructive. Get your voices heard some other way. If you’re 18, you’ll be able to vote. Go on a march. Join a pressure group. Get things done without smashing up children’s play equipment.

I must admit, I’m holding on to that last possibility without much hope. I don’t really think you’re disaffected youths with misdirected anger. I just think you’re idiots.

Clap, clap, clap.