PONDEROUS music. A black leather chair. Enter a gaunt woman of a
certain age. She sits and is caught in the unforgiving glare of a single
spotlight. The soft burr of the interlocutor.
''Your name please?''
''Margaret Hilda Thatcher.''
''Your occupation?''
''Baroness and Saviour-in-Waiting.''
''And your specialised subject?''
''Obfuscation from 1979 to the present.''
''Lady Thatcher, you have three minutes on Obfuscation, starting from
now. What is the usual response when asked by Lord Justice Scott's
inquiry about Matrix Churchill and related matters?''
''I have no knowledge of this at all.''
''Correct. How does a former Prime Minister explain the 'relaxation'
of rules governing the export of arms to the most revolting dictator in
the northern hemisphere?''
''I have no recollection.''
''Correct. What is the best way to explain sudden embarrassing changes
in government policy to Parliament?''
''Obviously one wonders about this.''
''Correct. How does someone described by a former Minister as being
'obsessed' with intelligence reports fail to know of security service
warnings that arms sales to Jordan are being diverted to Iraq?''
''That's life.''
''Correct. How does someone with a reputation for interfering in all
aspects of government explain sizable gaps in her knowledge of important
areas of foreign policy?''
''Administrative details did not concern me.''
''Correct. What do you say when you are reminded that an intelligence
report copied to you in July, 1989, stated clearly that machine tools
for export to Iraq were destined for a 'possible weapons system'?''
''You say that no-one pointed out the connection.''
''Correct. And how do you behave towards a bolshy woman QC who won't
take no answer for an answer?''
''I don't think I can add further.''
''Correct. What is the best way to treat civil servants forbidden from
political partisanship when they are working in delicate areas.''
''Make sure they are One of Us.''
''Correct. What is the appropriate stance for a Ministry of Defence
official responsible for monitoring arms sales when pressed on apparent
governmental hypocrisy vis-a-vis revolting dictators?''
''To say 'truth is a very difficult concept' or some such formula over
and over again as though it actually means something.''
''Correct. Define the duty of truth owed by an elected politician to
the electorate.''
''I'm not going to comment.''
''Correct. How does a baroness in your position justify her record?''
''By blaming everyone else.''
''Correct. What is the function of the scapegoat within the hallowed
and ancient traditions of the British constitution?''
''Delegation matters in government.''
''Correct. Why was none of this highly embarrassing inquiry shown to
the British public on television when there was no legal impediment to a
broadcast?''
''You must be joking.''
''Correct. How lucky can you get?''
''Very.''
''Correct. Can anything be done about this entire, disreputable
circus?''
''Not a hope.''
''Correct. How can you have the nerve?''
''Watch your lip, sonny.''
''Correct. How does someone accustomed to absolute obedience react to
her fall from power?''
''Three square meals a day of finest Axminster.''
''Correct. How does a senior stateswoman of world renown behave in
retirement?''
''Very badly indeed.''
''Correct. What is the proper definition of autobiography?''
''Three and a half million pounds.''
''Correct. Define probity in government.''
''If ever a Conservative government starts to do what it knows to be
wrong because it is afraid to do what it is sure is right, then that's
the time for the Tories to cry stop. You'll never need to do that while
I'm Prime Minister.''
''I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Why were Britain's oil revenues
squandered throughout your term in office?''
''We reject the socialist view that oil revenues should be retained by
the Government and used to increase state power by state intervention in
industry. Instead, we believe that this provides us with a means of
reducing still further the necessary evil of personal taxation, so that
once again it pays to work, to acquire skill, and to take a risk.''
''I'm sorry, that's . . . potty. How would you defend the Trident and
cruise missile programmes?''
''We are very fortunate to have someone else's weapons stationed on
our soil to fight those targeted against us. We are the true peace
movement.''
''I'm sorry, that's . . . unbelievable.''
''You mean I get a bonus point?''
''No. Lady Thatcher, why did you enthuse about Star Wars?''
''Pass.''
''In which direction was the Belgrano sailing when it was sunk in May,
1982, and why did 368 Argentine sailors have to die?''
''Pass.''
''What is the purpose of the Thatcher Foundation and who are its
benefactors?''
''Pass.''
''How could anyone who thought the poll tax a good idea pretend to
have any political insight?''
''Pass.''
''Lady Thatcher . . .'' A buzzer sounds. Interlocutor: ''I'm sorry,
I've started and you're finished. Lady Thatcher, how did you acquire
severe amnesia just as a scandal was about to break that reflects very
badly on your entire administration while further undermining trust in
government?''
''It's on the tip of my tongue . . . It's, it's . . . No, I'm sorry,
it's gone . . .''
''Lady Thatcher, you have passed belief on credulity and credibility.
However, you have scored several million points for sheer gall and can
now continue to do just as you please. Thank you.''
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