I dread this time of the year for three very good reasons. First of all we are subjected to the perennial end-of-year reviews which only go to prove two things. How quickly time flies and how stupid we all are.

We get to examine the cock-ups of world leaders and see what another fine mess the heads of states have caused. We also review our own successes (er, none) and failures (no money, no job, no one to share cookies with, no ability to spot a bargain) and make resolutions of how we are going to change our lives and make ourselves better citizens and do more good. Or win the lottery and retire.

At Christmas, Angus Deayton seems to present every seasonal show and move his eyebrows in an annoying manner. That's another thing I hate about this month- the irritating bumper editions of moronic programmes like - strike me down for saying such a thing - Men Behaving Badly and One Foot in the Grave. It's bad enough trying to avoid these programmes when they are on for 30 minutes, never mind an hour.

And the final thing that transfixes me with dread and foreboding - my birthday. Aargh! Having been born in December my birthday always seems to be approaching.

It is all complicated by the fact that it is a day after Christmas Day itself, so no sooner has the last turkey been gobbled, the last mouthful of pudding washed down with Christmas cheer, than some nutter starts counting down to Christmas again: Only 364 to go! So I am constantly reminded of my ageing...along with the wrinkles, white hairs, the way I keep falling asleep in front of the TV and my belief that Bruce Forsyth is funny.

Where does the time go? It is so depressing when you realise that the world is still in a mess - that misery and starvation exist. And that all that superpowers like America can do is add to it.

Madonna is said to be looking for a house to buy in London. She claims that England is a cool place to live because the thickest person here is still smarter than the average American. I believe her because though she, too, is an American she must have been very smart to start out with not exceptional beauty or talent and still end up a multi- millionaire.

Perhaps she should have a word with our Tony?

Having said that, despite the shenanigans of the Press (and I'm talking about the slaughter of innocent children, not his antics with Monica) there are still some good things to come out of the US of A.

Leonardo di Caprio, for example, looks like he would never hurt a fly, and this was his year with the majestic Titanic movie scooping lots of awards and earning vast sums at the box- office. Last week, exactly 11 months and two weeks after it was released amid critical acclaim, I managed to see the film. Well, better late than never, eh?

The one good thing, however, about this time of year is that I relieve all my stress by going shopping. That way I can avoid all the awful programmes, the news reviews and forget my age. And I might even pick up a bargain. Now that would be an achievement...

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.