DOES anyone know what skin is made from? I certainly don't but it's one of the perplexing questions my son keeps asking.

Many of his queries such as 'Why do you have to go to work?' - I can answer quite easily but the ones such as 'What is time?' and 'What is wee made of?' I have a little trouble with.

He never seems to bother much when I say I don't know, but it just leaves me feeling rather ignorant.

I have been tempted to try and answer the questions to which I don't know the answer with a series of vague generalisations, but he is getting to the stage in his development when he is quite prepared to challenge his previously omniscient father.

The other day we had our first serious argument. It concerned a somewhat irritating animal puppet which appears on children's TV in the morning.

The puppet in question is, as far as I can tell, some species of ant-eater. Nathaniel asked me what it was then decided not to accept my answer.

'It's a pig,' he said confidently to which I replied that although it may have a pig's snouty face it was furry and had large rabbit-type ears. It was an ant-eater not a pig, I maintained.

'Pigs can be furry,' retorted Nathaniel, refusing to bow to my superior knowledge of the animal kingdom.

This went on for some minutes until I, exasperated, stomped to the cupboard, brought out an encyclopedia of animals and showed him a large picture of an ant-eater.

Obviously the fools who make puppets for children's TV are far less concerned with replicating exactly the real-life models for their creative efforts, and there was quite a marked difference between the TV character and the actual animal pictured in the book.

But finally, Nathaniel caved in and accepted that the animal on TV was an ant-eater not a pig.

We also have a problem with Donald and Daffy Duck. My daughter has a small Daffy Duck soft toy which my wife, who has not wasted as many hours watching mindless cartoons as myself, wrongly identified initially as Donald Duck.

For a long time Nathaniel resisted my suggestion that the toy was really Daffy Duck and insisted it was Donald.

When the opportunity arose in the form of a cartoon on TV featuring both the black Daffy and the sailor-suited Donald, I made sure I pointed out the difference, which he now accepts.

I think I get into such ridiculous situations because I worry too much about my children appearing silly in front of their peers, or it could be that I am a boorish pedant who has to prove himself right all the time, even with three-year-olds.

But it could also be that my son is developing his own sense of pleasure of taking part in or winning an argument.

When he asks me a question and I say I don't know, it leaves him without a hook to hang his own increasing sense of knowledge on.

Of course I could tell him that skin was made from banana peel mixed with goose feathers and see if he would accept that, but such ridiculous notions would mean he might grow up as barmy as his father, which wouldn't suit at all.

A couple of weeks ago Nathaniel caught a brief glimpse of a film on television about the battle of Waterloo.

'Why are those people blowing fire at each other, Daddy?' He said as I hurriedly turned off the violent scenes of exploding cannon shot and rifle fire.

Because they are trying to hurt each other - they are fighting because they don't like each other, I replied.

It wasn't brilliant as explanations go but I couldn't think of anything else to say in the short time that I had.

Of course, I could have said that massacring and maiming innocent people from a safe distance is a marvellous humanitarian way to resolve political problems, but then again I wouldn't want to sound like George Robertson, Robin Cook or Tony Blair.

Next time we see a war on television I will tell my son the truth: "They are blowing fire at each other because they are a bunch of fools led by a bunch of cynical manipulative cowards demonstrating they have developed morally no further than the ant-eater in the animal encyclopedia."

l The views of the Lancashire Loudmouth do not necessarily reflect those of this newspaper.

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Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.