How talking about sex could help save your relationship..

therapy.

I can handle it, I told myself. I am a woman of the world. A little sex talk was not going to phase me.

Hmm, maybe. Mature and liberated I may claim to be, but broaching the

subject was not as easy as I had thought.

"So you're here to talk about sex

therapy?" enquired Nick Shillito, upon my introduction.

"Err, in a nutshell!", I ventured,

worried that now the three-lettered word had been let out I would lose my professional cool and collapse into schoolgirl giggles.

As a self-confessed lover of Carry On films - yes I know 30 years too late - this was doubly hard.

Nick, manager of Relate Keighley and Craven, was thankfully used to people feeling bashful about discussing sex - and bringing with them Benny Hill-style notions of what sex therapy is about.

He said: "People think they are going to have to take their clothes off or that it will be run by Swedish blondes."

Embarrassed at my visions of copies of the Joys of Sex laying suggestively on the coffee table, I began to feel more relaxed and lost my fear of dropping my notepad at the mere mention of the word sex.

The truth is, sex therapy is not saucy and titillating, or designed to pass on tips on becoming a red-hot lover. (The Karma Sutra is still your best bet for that.) And I can vouch that there are definitely no Swedish blondes!

The service is designed to help couples through the painful emotions and feelings of inadequacy, which can arise in the case of a sexual problem - and help them back to a healthy love life.

Sadly, I am not alone in my reticent 'No Sex Please, We're British' approach. Despite a so-called sexual revolution a lot of people adopt a surprisingly timid approach to the topic - particularly if a problem arises.

Ann, a sex therapist at the centre since 1995, said: "One presumes with the sexual revolution that I have lived through in my life, that people would be very open and it would come easily to talk about it. It doesn't. It is a difficult experience to recognise that there is a problem and to find the courage to go and be able to come forth with what your needs are."

Common problems, such as

impotence and a loss of sexual desire, are sources of misery for many - who may be too embarrassed to seek professional help or even turn to family or friends.

Couples often ignore the problem for as long as possible before facing up to it, which may create an emotional distance between them. Ann said: "I do not say coming to Relate is the easy option. It is difficult to come forward and say we have a relationship problem. It is much easier to pretend it is not there.

"It is very difficult in a relationship because usually it is only one partner with a difficulty and the other partner feels, 'what have I done wrong?'"

But refusing to address a problem 'in the bedroom' may lead to upsetting repercussions for the relationship.

Nick, 48, said: "It is a very serious thing. Even if you have got a good

relationship, if your sex life starts to go wrong, and it's been wrong for several years, it really does increase the chances of that relationship falling apart.

"Sometimes if nothing is done about a fairly trivial sexual problem it can lead to a perfectly good marriage breaking down. The chances are that one or other of the partners will want to look for sex somewhere else".

Relate counsellors are trained to get to the root of the problem, be it truly sexual or the result of an emotional issue within the partnership.

The counsellors will also decide whether counselling or sex therapy will be more appropriate.

Nick said: "Sometimes people come to us with what they think is a sexual problem and it turns out that it is really a relationship problem. Sex may go wrong because you feel upset about something else. For example, a woman might be really angry with her husband because he goes to the pub every night and leaves her on her own. Because of that she may withdraw from him sexually.

"Or someone might come for counselling and when we have talked about it is obvious to us that what they actually need is sex therapy".

Often both dimensions are touched upon throughout the therapy.

Ann said: "We tackle it from both sides. We call ourselves psycho-sexual therapists so we do deal with the emotional as well as the sexual side".

Any couple or individual overcoming their fear to seek help, may be assured of a confidential, sensitive approach at Relate.

Counsellors have already undertaken years of training and must be experienced in dealing with ordinary relationship counselling.

Ann, 62, said: "Relate tends to take people of more mature years. They don't tend to come in until they're in their 30s and seen a bit of life. In some cases they may have been through therapy

themselves and realised it was something they could do.

"It is not just something you take up one week and say, 'Oh, I do not think I will bother next week'. There is a real commitment expected".

Couples need not fear ridicule, embarrassment or judgement at Relate, only understanding.

Whatever the particular problem the counsellors are trained to keep an open mind and are at ease themselves with any aspect of sexual discussion and analysis.Ann said: "One thing that our training makes sure of is that we have a

feeling of comfort and a feeling of

confidence.

"That is so important to put across that this is a subject that can be talked about. It is possible to discuss it, at whatever depth. Without any embarrassment or concern on our part."

Ann, who has been a counsellor since 1988, said they would also not be shocked at the nature of the problem - be it way out fetish or 'unusual' fantasy.

They are also happy to speak to gay and lesbian couples.

Although Ann was unable to let readers into specific details, she said: "People do come with some unusual predilections, which are difficult because they cause difficulties in the relationship. And that is a sad situation.

"If it prevents them from having a relationship they do not know where to turn, whether it is normal, and how to have a relationship alongside this particular aspect of sex.

"I would be doing a disservice to the public if I sat there and said we don't deal with that."

But, she said, there is room for some humour: "There is some laughter in my room regularly because it has to be light-hearted as well".

Each case is treated as unique and

different couples may respond to

different approaches, which are tailor-made to the couple.

In the case of a loss of desire in one partner or both, for example, couples who wish to get their sex lives back on track may be asked to try massage and touching without intercourse for

several weeks to reintroduce intimacy and tenderness.

In each case Relate has an impressive track record of success in putting

couples back on the road to fulfiling 'hanky panky.'

Rap stars Salt 'n' Pepa may not have known that their classic lines would contain such an important message, but it is one which Relate are at pains to get across.

Nick said: "My message to the great British public would be if something is going wrong in a sexual relationship try and pick up enough courage to pick up the phone and ring Relate because

generally these things will not get better on their own".

Anyone wishing to find out more about the service offered by Relate Keighley and Craven should

telephone 01535 605047 or log onto www.relate-keighley.co.uk

Each session costs £35 with certain reductions available.