WHEN Old Father Time goes creeping away with his scythe dragging in the dust at midnight next Monday, few people in Beggarsdale - and, I reckon, in the rest this kingdom too - will be sad to see the back of him.

As years go, 2001 was eminently forgettable, what with foot and mouth and race riots at home, terrorist slaughter abroad, and some of our most cherished institutions like the NHS and the railways falling to bits.

So goodbye and good riddance, 001, and welcome 002, the new baby on the block. And whilst you are young enough to take some advice, could I recommend that you ensure that the following New Year resolutions are kept:

Nationally, the health service will once again become the envy of the world and the Chancellor of the Exchequer will not raise taxes to pay for it.

Yorkshire will retain cricket's county championship, Beggarsdale Rugby Club continue their march onwards and upwards.

Across the waters, Jews and Palestinians in the Middle East and Protestants and Roman Catholics in Northern Ireland will become brothers and Afghanistan will become a model of liberal democracy.

In Beggarsdale, our resolutions will not carry perhaps the same international significance but they could be important for Peace in Our Dale. After all, a precedent has already been set, what with Crookedale folk now using the Beggars' and not a blow thrown in anger.

Teacher Tess is to resign as LoCoPoCoThoPo (Local Commandant, Politically Correct Thought Police) and join the Conservative Party, where she, too, will be embraced by Cousin Kate the postmistress.

Owd Tom will give up his pipe and turn vegetarian and Kate's husband Mean Mike will reduce his prices so that they are only 25 per cent higher than those at the supermarket in Mar'ton.

The Government will hang its head in shame at its treatment of old soldiers and boost their pensions, so that The Major will be able to afford to visit the Beggars' for a gill every month.

Likewise, the Church of England will make, rather than lose, money on property speculation and tell the Rev. Rupert that his pension is safe. He might even be able to replace his ten year old banger now that he has five parishes to shepherd.

A regular bus service will be re-introduced, so that the car-less OAPs will be able to get into Mar'ton and the trains from Mar'ton station will be clean, warm and actually turn up.

Maggots Money-Grubber at the Old Vicarage will once again allow locals to fish his stretch of the River Beggar, as they had done for centuries before his arrival.

Jetset, our globetrotting businessman, will open a textile factory in the area to give Brits jobs, rather than importing cheap textiles from abroad.

The walkers will come back in their hordes and stick to the footpaths so that they don't trample acres of grazing; the heather on Tup Fell will bloom once more, now that farmers will be paid not to overgraze the uplands.

Once again, the air will be full of the warbling of skylarks, the sharp "pee-wit" calls of the plovers and the operatic burblings of the curlews.

You've a lot to do, Young 2002, and you're not even born yet. I wish you the very best of luck!