Opinion: Middle-aged Love Island? No thanks

Last summer I wrote a column wondering how the hit ITV2 show would look if older people with - horrors! - ‘normal’ bodies were on it, instead of gym-honed twenty-somethings with shiny hair extensions, blinding veneers and abs so taut you could grate cheese on them.

Contestants living it up on this year's Love Island. Pic: ITV/PA

Now it seems it might just happen; with talk of a potential spin-off series featuring mid-life singletons.

The show, say reports, would see people in their 40s and 50s seeking romance after divorce. With the provisional, and slightly icky, title of ‘Your Mum, My Dad’, the idea is for contestants to stay in a romantic retreat while, behind the scenes, their children play Cupid and attempt to couple them up.

Could it work? With Love Island coming under fire for its lack of body diversity, maybe it’s time for a more realistic representation of the human form. And, with a bit more life experience under their belts, older ‘Islanders’ would surely have more in the way of stimulating conversation than the tedious ‘bants’ of the current bunch of lovebirds.

While there are countless TV reality shows featuring young people, and some that feature older folk too - like the BBC’s ‘Marigold Hotel’ series that saw the likes of Sid Little, Jan Leeming and the Krankies heading off to India to check out retirement facilities - it’s a genre that doesn’t largely cater for the 40-60s. Yet this is the age bracket when people are often newly single, post-divorce, and ready to start dating again while they’ve ‘still got it’.

The Your Mum, My Dad version of Love Island has yet to be commissioned, but if it followed the same format as the ITV2 show, here’s what you could expect:

“I’ve got a text!”: When a Love Islander’s phone pings, signalling a date night, a racy game, a ‘re-coupling’ or a ‘dumping’ at the fire pit, it’s greeted with giddy shrieks and much leaping around by contestants.

Not quite so much over-excitement among the over-40s, who would be found squinting at the phone, holding it up close, then at arm’s length, before giving up and handing it to someone who can remember where they left their readers. By the time Dave, Ange, Liz or whoever has rummaged for their varifocals and managed to decipher the text, the moment has passed.

Challenges: You can forget anything that involves frolicking, fireman’s lifts or foam. How about a game of Wordle, a day trip to an olive oil factory, or a nice walk round the old town?

Casa Amor: The ‘ultimate test’ of the islanders’ relationships comes halfway through the series, when the boys and girls are temporarily split into two villas, where new contestants are waiting to tempt them.

I mean, could you really be bothered with all that ‘cracking on’? When you’ve got the latest Richard and Judy Book Club summer read to get stuck into? And a hot flush coming on? Isn’t it time for an afternoon nap?

While we’re at it, there’ll be no strutting around the villa in a string bikini. Not when you have a perfectly comfy pair of wide-fit flip-flops and a floaty Marks & Spencer sarong.

Middle-aged singletons may be still in the game, but do we really want to watch them topping up the Factor 50 on their cellulite thighs and getting cosy on the poolside bean-bags? Let’s face it, if you’re 45 or over you’ll struggle to get up again once you’ve sat on a bean-bag.

Love Islanders are young, vacuous and rather dull, and that’s the way it should be. When you’ve got olive-skinned gym bunnies Davide and Ekin-Su, the jaw-droppingly beautiful power couple holding court in this year’s villa, or twice-divorced Phil, 54, from Corby, and mild-mannered admin assistant Trish, 47, from Worthing (in her M&S sarong), chatting awkwardly about pension equity release in the hot tub, I know who I’d rather watch.