Dear Kirsten, 

I'm worried about my neighbour, he is elderly and lost his wife couple of months ago

She had been ill for a little while. He doesn't seem to have any family that pop round.

His wife did most of the things in the house like cooking and since she's gone he has started acting a bit odd.

It was little things at first - he would be wearing her beads or a scarf but over the last couple of weeks since she died he has started wearing more of her clothes.

I don't know what to say when I see him in them.

I'm worried he isn't coping but I'm not sure how to start the conversation off. He doesn't really go out much, so I see him in her clothes in the garden although I think he must be popping to the shops to get food and things.

No-one seems to visit, he keeps himself to himself but just looks really sad.

I don't want to poke my nose in; I'm not sure if he is unwell or maybe has dementia and needs some support?

I don't know who to call or approach to make sure he is OK and I might be making a fuss about nothing.

Name supplied

Kirsten replies:

I'm so glad your neighbour has someone like you that is noticing things are difficult for him at the moment.

If you're worried that he isn't coping then you can get some help and advice from either Age Uk or from your local council, they will have teams dedicated to vulnerable adults that can give you some advice and take some details.

Age UK have a really good advice line  (08006781602) that can point you in the right direction and help bring in some extra support.

It could be that there are medical issues that are more obvious now the caring influence of your neighbour's wife has gone, for this reason it feels really important you get some help and advice. 

It could also be a reaction to grief, one I've certainly seen before. 

When we face such a heart-breaking loss, we can want to find a way to keep them with us, to keep a part of them close, to imagine they are still here.

The wearing of the clothes might look odd or frightening from the outside but really, it could  represent  intense loss and sadness.

When we lose a spouse we lose so many other things alongside them, the role they played in the partnership, the increased isolation from their absence, the loss of a future with them.

If your neighbour was already socially isolated, the loss of his wife will have had a huge impact on him. It's often when the funeral is over, when people check in less, that we can start to really struggle with the full weight of the loss.

Independent Age (www.independentage.org) found that loneliness in the over 65s understandably increased after a bereavement and that older men found it more difficult to access or ask for help.

Their research showed that following a bereavement many older men struggled to look after the basics such as drinking enough fluids or eating enough through the day - another reason to bring in some support.

If you're up for the challenge (and I'm hoping you are) talk to him, it doesn't have to be much, just asking how he is, does he need anything, letting him talk about his wife if he is able or wants to.

You would be amazed at how powerful kindness and friendship can be when someone is in a dark place.

We often think it's best left to professionals when really there's a raft of evidence that shows offering a meaningful, caring connection can make masses of difference to people.

I'm not saying that its appropriate for you to take up a caring role, that should absolutely be left to those professionals with the expertise, just to check in with him from time to time.

If you think he might be able to talk to someone about his loss (for some older people talking about your problems isn't something they feel comfortable doing) then Cruse offer a chat service or a phone line (0808 808 1677) and can offer ongoing support with the loss.

Please don't worry about "poking your nose in", the worst that could happen if you take some advice is he has a supportive chat with someone who can assess his needs properly.

You sound like a really lovely neighbour - and he sounds like he could really use a good neighbour right now.

All best wishes

Kirsten

Kirsten Antoncich

Psychotherapist and Neurofeedback Practitioner

Ask a question in confidence at kirsten@positiveprogress.co.uk