CRACK open the ouzo and scoop out the tinned herring (that’s Greece and Norway covered in your Euro-themed buffet) - Eurovision is back!

After a year when Covid cancelled pretty much everything, Europe’s naffest show is returning, with tonight's live final broadcast from Rotterdam. Who cares if UK hopeful James Newman’s song is a bit rubbish? We could put the remaining Beatles on that stage and still wouldn’t win because, let’s face it, no-one likes us.

It’s just a hoot to watch, and we need a laugh and a bit of escapism - not to mention a celebration of live music.

James Newman will be hoping to end a dismal run of form for the UK when he takes to the stage tonight.

The UK has finished in the top half of the competition only three times so far this century - in 2002 (when the country was represented by Jessica Garlick), 2009 (Jade Ewen) and 2011 (Blue).

Finishing close to last, and sometimes in last place, has increasingly become the norm. Since 2000 we have ended the contest in one of the bottom three positions on nine separate occasions.

And we've finished in a humiliating last place a total of four times: 2003 (Jemini), 2008 (Andy Abraham), 2010 (Josh Dubovie) and 2019 (Michael Rice).

That's not quite as bad as Finland, who since the start of the contest in 1956 has come last in the final a record nine times...

Despite past successes - including Brotherhood of Man, Bucks Fizz and Katrina and the Waves - the point will soon be reached where more years have elapsed since the UK last won the contest (currently 24) than the time between our first win and most recent win (30 years - from 1967 to 1997).

If James Newman manages to finish in the top half of tonight’s competition, he will at least have ended the UK’s decade-long run of poor results since Blue came11th in 2011.

And if by some chance he wins the final, not only would this be the first UK win in a generation, it would also mean the UK gets to host the contest next year - for a record ninth time.

Just sit back and enjoy the show...Cue emotional ballads about coming together/starting again/reaching out/rising from the ashes, accompanied by dramatic contemporary dance in clouds of dry ice. Boom Bang a Bang!