NSPCC: What you can do if your child's sexual behaviour is a problem

Heartbreaking words from a mum whose world was shattered when an out-of-the-blue phone call from her 15-year-old son’s school led to a chain of events that saw him being charged for viewing indecent images of children.

Jennifer and her husband were devastated when their son Nathan* was prosecuted for behaviour they simply couldn’t understand.

He was their loving son, and he had struggled with his mental health following the death of his beloved grandmother.

But they had been desperately trying to get him help for his low moods and his outbursts of temper and had no idea what he was accessing online.

At first, they thought he was covering for a friend out of a sense of misguided loyalty but Nathan was clear it was him. He told his parents what he had been accessing on and off since he was 13.

Jennifer described the months after the revelation, going through the court process, as a nightmare. She blamed herself, felt that people would think she was a bad mother, and was desperately frightened for her son, who felt suicidal.

Only after the family accessed the NSPCC’s Turn The Page service did she feel that she got her son back. What happened will never be forgotten by the family but with support and counselling they can move forward together and enjoy again their family life.

It is always shocking to hear that a child has displayed harmful sexual behaviour. We tend to subconsciously think of a stereotype when we think about those who do.

Let us be clear, it’s typical for children to show a range of sexual behaviour as they grow up. But sometimes they may behave in a way that is inappropriate for their age and stage of development. We call this harmful sexual behaviour, because it’s harmful to the children who display it and to those it’s directed towards.

There may be any number of reasons why children display harmful sexual behaviour – society and culture will have a big impact on what children think about sex and sexuality. What they see and read can contribute to children and young people becoming sexualised early on in their lives, or may normalise non-consensual sexual activities.

Here at the NSPCC we think it is crucial to understand why some children display harmful sexual behaviour, to provide support for them and help them to form healthy relationships.

At a number of our service centres across the north of England, including Bradford, we run Turn The Page, which helps young people aged five to 18 who have shown evidence of harmful sexual behaviour – such as viewing extreme pornography, indecent images of children, sexting or touching other children in inappropriate ways. We work with them to improve their psychological wellbeing and increase their optimism for the future. 

The service involves 30 weekly sessions with specially-trained practitioners as well as projects for service-users to carry out at home.

Practitioners talk to the children about their strengths, help them feel better about themselves and learn to handle problems and challenges positively. The service also helps them understand the risks and dangers of harmful sexual behaviour, work on self-regulation, and make and form positive relationships. The practitioners also support schools and other professionals around the region to help them deal with training and consultation around harmful sexual behaviour. 

But what advice can I give you as parents? It is important to understand there are phases to childhood sexual development – there is some really simple guidance on the NSPCC website and you can always ring our Helpline for support too.

But it is important to remember that when discussing your children’s sexual behaviour, the way you respond is crucial. Try not to be too disapproving or imply that sex shouldn’t be spoken about. It is not easy but try to keep calm, as the way you react can affect how comfortable children will feel about talking to you about these things in the future.

* Names have been changed to protect their identities