I blame Take That. If it wasn't for their Audience with then they wouldn't have thought about coming back.

And David Beckham wouldn't be hot-footing it to Hollywood.

Take That reform to tour the country and finish the year with another UK number one.

Huh, pouts Posh. The Spice Girls can do better than that.

So she racks her brains (insert joke here) and comes up with a guaranteed way of gazumping Gary Barlow and Co.

"I know," she tells David, "we'll make it big in America. Let's start house hunting now."

And so the biggest soccer transfer to hit the US is underway.

Mr Beckham plays along to the script by "pouring his heart out" to a "close friend" in the tabloids. According to a source, he has had to wear eye packs to reduce the puffiness caused from all the sobbing since he decided to quit Real Madrid.

Then he talks about the exciting challenge of preaching the game to the unconverted. Nothing to do with the money then.

Posh, meanwhile, checks out the Golden Globes (no plastic surgery digs, please) and heads for Rodeo Drive with the gold card.

There is also the small matter of finding a suitable Californian mansion - should it be Lionel Richie's or next to Rod Stewart? What about close buddy Tom Cruise?

Madrid president Ramon Calderon cut through all the hype and accused Beckham of hankering to become a two-bit Tinseltown actor. But he soon changed his tune to eulogise about a great talent and perfect professional when the rest of the Real squad threatened to down tools at training in protest.

Beckham claims the driving force has been his family and the luxury lifestyle this mega-bucks move will guarantee.

And seeing how fiercely he protects his wife and the boys, there is no reason to doubt him.

But what about Victoria's part in all this? If she wanted a more glamorous home, then why not go to Italy? A move to AC Milan would have offered the swish surrounds and still ensured that Beckham remained on the world football radar.

But no, they are heading for La-La Land where "soccer" just about warrants a mention below the college baseball results.

Brand Beckham will change that for a while - on the showbiz pages at least.

One very camp American fashionista was on the radio the other day, gushing about Beckham's film star good looks.

"As long as David doesn't open his mouth," he said. "He's got the body of Tarzan but the voice of Jane."

Let's hope David is not the only member of the family to heed his advice. A Spice Girls reunion is not something I really, really want.