When I was a child I used to be given small volumes in the Observer’s Book Of... series, which were designed to pass the long hours in a car journey or sitting on a beach in the rain, spotting things like coastal birds or plants. Some of these books had been passed down in the family and were so old that some of the species in the pages were long since extinct.

Oh what fun we had in those pre-internet days, and as we’re having the sort of summer that harkens back to my youth, when you measured how good a day you’d had by how many ladybirds you picked out of your underpants, I thought I’d share with you those simple pleasures, hence: Barnett’s Observer’s Guide To The British Summer in Bradford.

Don’t forget to tally up your points at the end, and happy spotting!

  • If you see a small child in a pushchair trying to eat a massive ice cream, smile fondly and award yourself one point. If the ice cream falls off the cone and splats on to the pavement, two points. If the child has an ice cream in one hand and a sausage roll in the other, five points. If you see any of this before 9am, double your score.
  • Award yourself one point for every bony young man with biceps like knots in cotton that you see walking through a crowded shopping area with his top off, as though he’s got the physique of Brad Pitt. If there is a group of more than three, ask them if them taking off their shirts is a subconscious display of the homoerotic love for each other that they dare not voice in any other way, give yourself ten points, then run away quick.
  • For every two pensioners in pastel shirts/blouses you see sitting on a bench, fanning themselves and muttering: “I like it warm but this is too warm for me,” give yourself three points.
  • If you see an old man in a flat cap, overcoat, stout shoes and a bag-for-life, completely oblivious to the blazing sunshine, that’s two points.
  • Anyone who says “You think this is hot? You don’t remember the summer of 1976, then” is going to earn you three points.
  • Underarm sweat patches on any item of clothing and worn by any gender which get so big that they meet in the centre of the garment at the back are worth five points.
  • If you see a rat, give yourself three points. A rat with an ice cream is five points. If you see a rat with an ice cream saying: “I like it warm but this is too warm for me” then you’d better have a lie down in a cool room, because that’s just ridiculous. Everyone knows rats prefer ice lollies.

Your score: ______________________