BRADFORD City joint-chairman Mark Lawn lost his wife Yvonne to cancer on February 1. In an exclusive interview, he tells Simon Parker how he continues to struggle to come to terms with life without his "soul mate".

"I’m grieving and I’ve absolutely no idea how long that will last.

I’ve got to decide where I’m going. At this stage it’s difficult to do that.

You realise now you are never going to see them again. It’s permanent.

Peter Beagrie got in touch with me just after Yvonne had gone. Obviously he had lost his wife Lynn in October.

It’s been longer for him but he just said to me ‘it doesn’t get easier.’ It doesn’t.

Cancer is a horrible disease.

When you get to the back end, the last couple of weeks in a terminal cancer is draining for everybody. The person who is suffering and those around them go through hell.

It gets to a stage when you are actually wanting them to go.

You are just watching somebody so loved going through agony.

Normal, decent human things are just gone. It’s almost like looking after a baby – there is no dignity.

It’s awful, just awful.

When she went, the first couple of weeks were a blessing because she wasn’t going through that turmoil any longer.

But it’s a false hope in a way. That relief you’re feeling, it’s not real.

After a couple of weeks, it turns round – at this stage it’s a bloody nightmare.

What worries me is that I haven’t been able to concentrate and put the effort into Bradford City that I have done over the last nine years.

We’ve got where we are as a club because of the drive we’ve had behind the scenes from Julian (Rhodes) and myself. But that’s been lacking in me since the latter stages of Yvonne’s illness.

That feeling of not knowing what to do next could keep going and it’s not fair on the football club or Julian, James (Mason) and everyone else who works here who has picked up the flak.

You’re up one minute and then so down the next. You don’t want to get out of bed and face the world.

They give you tablets to make you sleep. But I knocked them on the head straight away.

I took some and was having dreams that Yvonne was still alive. They were so vivid that when I woke up and realised she wasn’t there, it was like being hit with a sledgehammer all over again.

Football and my other businesses in general become secondary. I’ve lost the main driving influence to why I’ve worked hard all my life.

We were together for 36 years.

People say Mark’s lost his wife but that’s an awful, “coat-hanging” name. At the funeral, I didn’t have flowers with “wife” on them.

Yvonne was so much more than that; she was my soulmate. She helped me to do things and get the family where they are today.

She backed the decision to put the kids’ inheritance into Bradford City.

I thought I made the decisions but you never know with a good woman! She made me feel that it was me.

She trusted me with finances and making sure I brought in enough money for the family. She was the strength and the rock that I’ve lost.

I’m living in a void and I don’t know how you can fill that.

This summer will be time to take stock. I’ve got to see if I can get back to where I was or the club will need someone else who can do that.

That role needs to be fulfilled. We’re still massive fans and I don’t want it to affect the football club.

If anybody has gone through this, they’ll understand you can’t make a decision at this stage because it is still so raw.

People have told me I should take a holiday and just get away. But there would be nothing worse than lying on a beach alone with your thoughts.

It’s so hard but I do appreciate the strength I’m getting from the fans.

I know it’s difficult to talk about Yvonne and it might look like I’m trying to shrug them off. But I know the feeling is there and that has been a great comfort to me and my family.

Nobody knows how to approach you but in general there’s been a lot of help and sympathy.

But unless you’ve been through it, you can’t understand the depth of despair. I hope nobody ever has to suffer and go through it like we have.

We’d been fighting the cancer for three and a half years. I knew it was coming and thought we’d be able to cope.

You can prepare yourself and get everything pre-organised with the funeral and talk to people about what’s going to happen.

But the way that people pass is not good. I tell you now, if I could have got something to avoid putting her through that – but you can’t.

So you just have to be there until the bitter end.

But for those two weeks afterwards you almost coast through because of the initial relief that she won’t have to suffer again.

Then it smashes you; the realisation that she has gone forever.

My granddaughter Maddie turned round the other day and just said: “I’m never going to see Nanna again, am I?”

What do you say? I tried to tell her that Nanna was looking down on her all the time.

It’s like being stabbed in the heart.

But I do appreciate people asking about me and I hope talking like this helps explain to them how I am.

Please don’t stop giving to fight cancer; don’t stop giving to help hospices; don’t stop just because the Government seem to have.

We need to help all we can. A couple of quid a month or just being there at tea mornings, coffee mornings, anything counts.

What upset Yvonne towards the end and I’m sure it’s the same with a lot of cancer patients was seeing those adverts on the telly every 20 minutes saying “we’re beating it”.

Try telling that to the 50 per cent who aren’t beating it.

But we have to keep giving and keep fighting and if we can save one life, it’s worth it.

We are a family club at Bradford City; we are close knit.

I see fans coming up and wanting to say something but they are too embarrassed. They don’t want to be walking on eggshells.

I don’t want it to be like that but my family and I appreciate their support.

And if there’s someone else going through the same thing, maybe it will provide a bit of comfort that I know exactly how they feel."