The Brontes just got so awesome

8:00am Tuesday 22nd May 2007

A trio of American actresses has been cast as Haworth's literary sisters for a Hollywood movie called Bronte. Here's how it might look...

A bird's eye view camera shows grey-skies and an even greyer landscape. We swoop towards a little hamlet perched on the side of a hill.

Voiceover (in portentous, growly American accent): "Merrie England in the 19th century. Dinosaurs still roam a land that has only recently been united as one country by King Arthur. Toothless serfs gain their only pleasure from smoking dried mud and watching the plays of William Shakespeare. But in York Shire, three hot babes with all their own teeth are about to loosen old Bill's iron-like grip on the literary habits of the country... and their name is... Bronte!"

A cave dug into the hillside. Outside is parked a horse-drawn carriage in the shape of a Mini Cooper. Within, the cave is sumptuously decorated in the style of Buckingham Palace. Three gorgeous young women with heaving bosoms are seated around a long table, with Donald Sutherland at the head of it, the sisters' dour father, Patrick.

Charlotte Bronte, played by Michelle Williams, stands and tosses her hair.

Charlotte: "God damn it, Dad! Potatoes again? This is doing nothing for my attempt to get into that 00 frock for the prom, you know."

Patrick (seething): "Don't take the Lord's name in vain, missy! That's my Goddamn job!"

Charlotte storms out. Bryce Dallas Howard is Emily Bronte, absent-mindedly pushing a potato around her plate with her fork.

Emily: "Dad, I think I'd like to go for a walk on the moors. Get some inspiration from the blasted heath for me writin', donchaknow."

Patrick (glowering): "That's the worst Goddamn British accent I ever heard. That's worse than Dick Van Goddam Dyke."

Evan Rachel Wood plays Anne, the youngest of the sisters. She is gazing into the roaring fire.

Anne: "Worse than Renee Zellweger's?"

Patrick (roaring): "Much worse than Renee Goddamn Zellweger's!"

He draws a huge .44 Magnum from under the table and slides it across the table to Emily.

Patrick (whispering forcefully): "But if you are going out, take this. There's dinosaurs and Vikings and Goddamn knows what the hell else on those York Shire moors. And make sure you're back before Goddamn dark."

Emily: "Why?"

Patrick (whispering): "There's... things... on the moors. Flesh-eating things. Possibly from space. And they'd certainly wanna ravish a Goddamn hottie like you."

Charlotte has returned. She is now wearing an impossibly tight black leather catsuit and wields a vicious-looking Samurai sword. She stands behind Emily.

Charlotte: "No sister of mine is going out there alone. Not on the York Shire moors. I'm coming with you."

Anne also moves behind Emily and from under her skirts she pulls out a long-bow.

Anne: "Me, too."

Patrick: You girls still think you'll be safe?"

The camera closes in on the three sisters, who adopt a Charlie's Angels-style pose.

Charlotte: "It's not us who has to worry."

Anne: "It's them."

Emily: "That's because we're..."

All three (to camera): "The Brontes!"

End of Act One

Editor's choice