THERE’S nothing quite like a heatwave to bring out the British in us.

The other day, waiting for a train, I saw a middle-aged couple sauntering across the platform, both wearing skimpy shorts, vest tops and flip-flops, slurping ice-creams. They wouldn’t have looked out of place on a beach.

They were ‘Brits abroad’ - in Shipley.

It was a sweltering day; one of those days with a hot stillness filling the air, and it occurred to me that if you give folk a bit of sunshine they’ll use it as an excuse to mooch around as if they’re on holiday, exposing as much flesh as they can get away with. It’s fine if you’re in the back garden or on an actual beach, but there are some places - like railway stations, supermarkets and shopping centres - where I think it’s inappropriate to dress in holiday clobber.

It only takes a glimmer of sun for men of all shapes and sizes to decide they look great shirtless. Off come their tops, as they wander around the city centre, revealing pasty, clammy torsos for all to see. Put your shirt on, man, you’re not in Ayia Napa!

It goes without saying that for anyone riding a quad bike, (another summer ritual) it’s obligatory to be shirtless, and to wrap a sweaty bandana mask around your face.

Women too go all Californian beach babe when the sun is out. I saw a young mother in a bikini top and cut-off denim shorts traipsing around a shop recently. Her child was strapped into pushchair, wearing a coat and woolly tights, clearly hot and uncomfortable.

Inappropriate dress is just one of the predictable ways we Brits behave when the sun comes out. Others include:

* Impromptu barbecues. It’s hot out there, so let’s make it even hotter by firing up a grill in the garden and laying more burgers than anyone will eat on it. I’m generally regarded as a social pariah at barbecues because I don’t eat meat - there’s something primal about cooking on fire, and veggie sausages and mini corn-on-the-cobs don’t really cut it - but I like the social gathering aspect, and the cold beer.

* Talking about how hot it is - and complaining that it’s too hot. “Is it warm enough for you?” “It’s going to be hotter than Ibiza tomorrow.” “I’m sweating cobs.” “It’s a scorcher, I bet you could fry an egg on a car bonnet”, “I like it warm, but not this warm!” and “Where are my flip-flops?” are all things British people say during a mini heatwave.

* Head for the coast. It doesn’t matter that everyone else has the same idea, because there’s nothing nicer on a blistering hot day than sitting in slow-moving traffic on a motorway surrounded by loads of other cars full of bad-tempered people. If you do finally make it to the coast, head straight for an overcrowded beach, where you’ll find a space the size of a hankie to sit with your fractious family, and no shade. You might venture into the sea to cool off, then you’ll remember this isn’t Zakynthos, it’s Scarborough, and the sea is so cold it turns your toes blue.

* Daytime drinking. It’s hot, the air is filled with the aroma over-cooked supermarket meat, so you spend the afternoon glugging your body weight in rhubarb gin. By 7pm you’re either asleep, or thrashing about to Ibiza anthems on someone’s lawn.

* Dither over whether to take your coat out. “It might rain.” “Will it rain?” “I think it’s forecast rain.” “Well, we can’t have two days of sunshine without a thunder storm...”

Welcome to British summer time. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

* It's no dog's life in busy, noisy festival crowds

WHY do people insist on taking their dogs everywhere? I've been to several events recently, including Haworth's 1940s weekend and Saltaire's Dragonboat Festival, where I kept having to step over dog leads in the crowds. A friend who has two dogs said she wouldn't dream of taking them to such busy events. It can't be much fun for a dog to be pulled through a crowded space in hot weather. And they end up getting in the way.

Dogs enjoy a good walk with space to explore - not on a leash at a noisy festival where they're likely to be be tripped over or even kicked.

* Banning mobile phones in the classroom is a no-brainer

IT seems ludicrous to me that any school would allow pupils to have their mobile phones in classrooms.

Following a call by former head of Ofsted Sir Michael Wilshaw for mobiles to be banned in schools, Education Secretary Damian Hinds said it should be up to headteachers to decide. He told the Commons that while he thought children should be "off their phones and focused on lessons", schools are in charge of their own rules.

Why on earth should children have their mobiles with them when they're supposed to be learning? It goes without saying that many will use them, even if they're meant to be switched off.

A classroom phone ban should be a blanket policy and, if necessary, implemented by the Government.