My husband is so depressed he cries at night (From Bradford Telegraph and Argus)

My husband is so depressed he cries at night

11:32am Tuesday 17th February 2009 in Questions & Answers

Q: When I married my husband I knew he suffered from depression, but I’m finding it more and more difficult to live with. He appears happy and jolly at work and with friends, but they don’t see him at home crying most nights, sometimes for hours. Over the years he’s seen various psychiatrists and our GP is very good. However, most medication makes him like a zombie – which he says is worse. I’d like to have children one day, but how would they cope with a father who hides himself away and cries? We’ve been together for four years now and I keep asking myself should I stay or should I leave him and try to find someone else?

A: Living with someone who is depressed is not easy and you need help yourself, so try to find someone you trust that you can talk to. Is there no close friend or family member you could discuss your feelings with? Your husband cannot help his depression – it’s an illness and he needs treatment. There are ways in which he can help himself though and Depression Alliance (0845 1232320) could give him some pointers. Letting him know you love and care about him will help, even though it may not seem like it at the time. Only you can decide whether or not you stay with him but if you love him, you might find it easier with some support.

Q: I was shy and insecure when I started seeing my boyfriend two years ago. Since then, I’ve been promoted at work and love what I do. As a result, I am much more confident but, instead of being pleased for me, my boyfriend seems to resent it. He says I’m pushy and don’t seem to care for him. I don’t feel I’ve put up any barriers between us, so why is he being so difficult?

A: With greater confidence, an ability to stand up for yourself and a more responsible position at work, you probably do seem very different to those around you. Your boyfriend could interpret this change as a barrier, but I think it’s more one of his making than yours. Try to help him see that, in part, his support for you is part of the reason why you are more confident; being with someone who cares for you is very empowering. If that doesn’t help, then it raises the question as to why he preferred you as shy and insecure. It may be that you’ve outgrown this relationship and need to move on.

Q: For various reasons I was only able to have one child, a daughter, who is now ten. I know my husband was saddened by this and he would have liked a son, but I’m worried he’s trying to turn our little girl into a boy! He encourages her to play football and never likes to see her in pretty clothes. When I’ve asked him to encourage her to be more feminine he just says it doesn’t matter what she’s like as long as she’s happy. I fear, though, that he’s creating long-term problems for her.

A: A lot of girls go through a tomboy phase and I wouldn’t worry as there is every likelihood she will change again once she goes to secondary school. I tend to agree with your husband; it’s much more important that she is fulfilled and happy – life is too short to be spent meeting other people’s expectations. Do you, perhaps, feel excluded from the relationship between your husband and daughter? Talk to your husband and sort this out otherwise you will end up feeling excluded and resentful, even if you’re not already.