How a dad found faith... and peace (From Bradford Telegraph and Argus)

How a dad found faith... and peace

8:46am Friday 19th June 2009

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As Father’s Day approaches, Nigel Borders has good reason to reflect on the highs and lows of parenthood.

Like most men, the moment Nigel realised he was going to be a dad was one of the happiest of his life. And when he found out he and partner Joanne were having a boy, he was even more thrilled.

He pictured his son’s first steps, the kickabouts they would have together, the car talk they would share, and their first pint together.

When Joanne gave birth to Lewis, everyone was delighted – but it soon became clear that the baby was not developing as he should.

Little Lewis underwent a series of tests and operations, as doctors tried to come to a diagnosis. Lewis was partially sighted, had cerebral palsy and suffered regular fits. Nigel and Joanne, of Thornton, did their best to cope, but life was tough.

Nigel’s emotions veered from despair to anger. Combining the round-the-clock demands of caring for Lewis with running his battery sales business became too much and, feeling that he couldn’t cope, Nigel ended up suffering a nervous breakdown.

“I felt angry about the situation and suffered depression and a breakdown,” he says. “I kept thinking ‘Why me?’ I went through a range of emotions. It’s very, very hard work to live with on a day-to-day basis.”

Three years after Lewis’s birth, Joanne and Nigel had another son, Calum, and to their great relief he was a happy and healthy baby. The family had to readjust to the demands of a growing, active able-bodied boy alongside one who needed 24-hour care. For Nigel, the anger remained and he felt ‘robbed’ of the normal family life many fathers take for granted.

“Joanne had that maternal instinct,” he says. “But the house was like a hospital. We had so much kit to look after him – oxygen tanks, suction machines, feeding tubes. I had come to see Lewis as little more than an object to look after as he needed so much care.”

After years of despair, Nigel, 44, gained strength and support from an unexpected source. “I had a flirtation with Christianity when I was 16 or 17 but it didn’t last long. I became an atheist, blaming religion for everything wrong with the world,” he says. “But I’d become friends with someone in the pub who was going to church and he was very encouraging. Every time I drove past the church, I looked at the door. I had no intention of going in, yet I felt something was shouting me in.”

When his friend asked if he wanted to attend a service at St James’s Church, Thornton, Nigel was unsure. “I hadn’t been inside a church for donkey’s years,” he says.

He went along, but once inside, he felt troubled. “I thought, ‘These people have got something I haven’t’. People seemed very happy,” he says. “I’m the sort of person who questions everything. If there’s an argument to be had, I’d have it.”

Nigel remained intrigued and took up an offer from the church to go on an Alpha Course, which tackles questions about faith and life. The course led Nigel to see life “completely different”. With his growing faith came a sense of peace.

“Now I know I’m not on my own,” he says. “There is my faith, and people are so supportive. I have found peace. I’m now an active member of the church, I’ve become a school governor and have started playing the guitar.

“People who knew me couldn’t believe I’d become a Christian. It’s not easy; you develop a conscience very quickly. Christianity makes you face up to yourself and it’s uncomfortable.

“I was pig-headed and stubborn and I can still be pretty opinionated, but God is working on me. He has made me more compassionate.”

Lewis is now 13 and Calum is ten. Nigel says the family still struggles day-to-day; getting out and about is a major issue, with all the equipment and care that Lewis requires.

Joanne stays at home to look after Lewis, whose complex needs include regular medication and structured feeds.

His day begins at 6.15am with his medication. On good days he goes to Branshaw School in Keighley, but on other days, when he can have between 20 and 30 fits, he stays at home with his mum. As well as running his business, Nigel helps Joanne when he gets home. “When Lewis is okay we like to take him for a walk,” says Nigel. “He likes bright lights. Although he’s partially-sighted he responds really well, and he likes noise. I play the guitar for him which he seems to like – although not when I sing! I find I get quite close to Lewis when I do this.

“It’s hard at 3am watching your lad struggling,” adds Nigel. “We pray and sometimes it doesn’t seem to get answered. But the vital thing I’ve learned is that I have two sons, and Lewis may have a lot of needs but he is my little boy and he knows I’m his dad. That realisation has been a life-changing thing.

“My anger seems to have gone away. I don’t know where it went, you just see things differently.

“The world we live in is not so good, but there is hope that this isn’t the end. I honestly believe that the life we know isn’t all it’s going to be. I’ve got peace. Peace and hope, those are the words.”

Win A Book For All Fathers

To celebrate Father’s Day, charity Care For The Family is giving away five books offering advice on fatherhood and family life.

The Sixty Minute Father by Rob Parsons, published by Hodder & Stoughton, priced £7.99, is a practical book aimed at helping fathers find out how they can spend more time with their children.

Care For The Family is a national charity seeking to strengthen family life and help those hurting due to family breakdown. For more information visit careforthefamily.org.uk To be in with a chance of a free copy of The Sixty Minute Father, send a postcard with your name, address and telephone number to Emma Clayton, Editorial Department, Telegraph & Argus, Hall Ings, Bradford BD1 1JR before Friday, June 26.

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