10:50am Tuesday 1st June 2010
By Helen Mead
Family breakdown, such as divorce or separation, has repercussions for parents, children and extended family.
Many couples end up in court, finding legal channels the only way to resolve their differences. But others take a different, less formal route that allows them to reach their own agreements, and help restore communication, understanding and trust.
West Yorkshire Family Mediation Service help separating or divorcing parents or couples who are experiencing difficulties in agreeing arrangements for their children, home and finances.
The Bradford-based service – which this year celebrates half a century in the city – is also open to other family members such as grandparents who might be having problems over contact with grandchildren.
“People come to us for a variety of reasons, for instance if parents are divorcing or separating and have issues to resolve around where their children will live, when they will see their parents, maintenance payments and access arrangements,” says service manager Stephanie Smith.
“We also help them deal with the financial side – selling the family home, or making arrangements for paying off debts.
“And we work with grandparents, who also have rights. When couples split up, often one set of grandparents loses touch with their grandchildren. They can use mediation to talk to parents and try to re-establish contact.”
Mediation gives people the chance to come together with the help of a neutral third person who will give each the opportunity to be heard by the other.
Says Stephanie: “Many people find talking to an ex-partner about plans for the future very difficult due to the upset, tension and hostility. For them, mediation can help them communicate in a mature and calm way.”
Prior to coming to mediation, the majority of couples have not been able to resolve issues between themselves and have spent months, sometimes years, arguing.
“People can be distressed and upset, or angry and bitter, or just want to do the best for themselves and their children,” says Stephanie. “We work to resolve emotional as well as practical issues.”
She adds: “The time has to be right, too – if people come to us too early, when emotions are running high, they may not be ready to make decisions.”
The service, in Manor Row, receives around 2,000 enquiries every year – a mixture of people approaching them directly, and being referred by other agencies.
“At this stage they will have decided to separate,” says Stephanie. “If they have not yet reached that point, we refer them to Relate for counselling.”
Around 1,000 people attend for an initial appointment, to find out whether mediation is suitable for them. Of these, 400 go through the process, with 80 per cent reaching a full agreement.
Either one or both former partners attend the sessions. Those claiming legal aid have to try mediation before going to court. The service also takes private clients.
“If a person comes alone, we suggest they speak to their former partner or allow us to approach them and suggest we use mediation,” says Stephanie.
Agreements reached in mediation, rather than through the courts, tend to last longer as they are developed and agreed by the couple themselves. Working with the mediator, the couple tailor the outcome to their needs and the needs of their children, whereas orders made through the courts are more of an off-the-peg solution, which often doesn’t fit.
Yet some former couples reject mediation. “Some believe that a successful outcome is possible only if a judge makes the decision, yet many return to court many times because they have failed to live by the judgement,” says Stephanie.
One client, who does not wish to be named, found the process “helpful and supportive”. “I found I could communicate with my ex-partner without feeling intimidated,” she says. “It helped enormously and had long-term benefits.”
Another, who also wishes to remain anonymous, adds: “Both of us were treated with compassion and we always felt at ease. I was treated fairly and with respect, and my son’s welfare was a priority.”
Those using the charity range from teenage parents to pensioners, and are seen for up to three sessions, each lasting up to 90 minutes.
The number of people using the service is rising every year. “This has been most noticeable over the past three years,” says Stephanie. “People are becoming more familiar with mediation as a means of resolving conflict.”
- For more details, call West Yorkshire Family Mediation Service on (01274) 732768, e-mail office@wyfms.co.uk, or visit wyfms.co.uk.
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