No share and share alike for us (From Bradford Telegraph and Argus)

No share and share alike for us

10:35am Thursday 4th March 2010 in

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During our 29 years of marriage, I have noticed that my wife likes to claim ownership of certain things, while rejecting others.

While not wanting to step into the murky waters of sexism, I am assured by many of my male friends that she is not alone in this regard.

Just a few days ago, she used the word ‘my’ when describing ‘our’ bedroom.

Granted, there have been a number of nights over the last three decades when I have been banished to the sofa for some snoring-related offence. Even so, I am sure that I should have equal share in its occupancy.

Now I think about it, my presence in our bedroom is limited to a small proportion of it. I have just worked out that with the 18 square inches of my bedside cabinet and the hook behind the door, I can only claim around four per cent of the room.

Once our youngest daughter left for university, my wife suggested I store my clothes in her old wardrobe; to be honest, it is useful having my clothes available when I have to leave early for work. Fortunately, I still have occupancy of an 18in strip of our kingsize bed.

As far as the bathroom is concerned, I do have half a shelf in the cabinet, but where I do have the most space is on the shelf that contains reading materials. And, although my wife likes to purge the contents every now and then, I have a favourite sports book, a comedian’s biography, and an electronics catalogue.

Even with this attempted takeover bid, Mrs M still calls it ‘her’ bathroom. I need to work harder.

Over the years, I have come to terms with my dessert being known as ‘ours’ when we are at a restaurant but this re-shaping of our world is a little too much.

As I type, I am reminded that my bride has made claim to two-thirds of our sofa as she reclines next to me. She is trying to convince me that I can type and tickle her feet at the same time.

When I ask Mrs M why she feels the need to call so many things hers, rather than ours, she tells me that it is a trade-off.

She gets the pretty things and I get the functional items. Apparently, because I love to cook, I have ownership of two cupboards in the kitchen.

At this point, she announce to me, ‘From now on you shall be known as lord of the pans’. I think I deserve more than mockery.

I responded by saying that I was just off to the pub to spend some money from ‘my’ joint bank account.