Beware of the party animals! (From Bradford Telegraph and Argus)

Beware of the party animals!

8:53am Tuesday 9th December 2008 in Columnists By Debbie Lindley

My husband Graham and I enjoyed our first work’s Christmas party on Saturday night. Now it’s fair to say the Christmas spirit has not just arrived, it’s moved in, unpacked and is showing definite signs of staying.

When I was growing up in Mirfield, I would count the days from November until the parties started. Now I’m older, I still get excited but it’s not so much dressing to impress as to distress – especially when it comes to the end of the evening and you’re on all fours looking for a contact lens.

One of my favourite hobbies at parties is ‘people watching’. While I would love to scratch my chin, nod thoughtfully and say I find the pack behaviour of humans immensely interesting, it’s not – I’m just incredibly nosy.

Spend any length of time at a party and you can be sure to spot a variety of stereotypes. If you want to have a go yourself this year, read on, print this out and take it with you. First one to spot all four gets a packet of Resolve.

Ladies first, and let’s deal with the most obvious; every party has at least one lady who, despite looking like a million dollars at the beginning, is reduced to tears with her mascara moving south on to her chin at the end. Try as you might, nothing you say will make a difference until she’s taken two paracetamol and demolished a fry-up the next morning. So if you hear a hiccuping voice slurring the words “y’know... I love yoooo... you’re my best friend, you are,” stay well away!

For the second stereotype, planning for a work Christmas party starts a good six months before the event in a near-military operation to find the dress of all dresses. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Fashion Victim. This partygoer will never sit down because she can’t – her corset underneath can only be worn for a few hours at a time or gangrene sets in.

The Party Animal – made famous by Ricky Gervais and favoured by men who are rarely allowed out without their other halves – are first in line for the conga, always wear their party hat and are almost guaranteed at some point to emerge from the gents’ toilets with the tail of their ‘zany’ shirt sticking out of their fly.

The final stereotype, the company creep, is probably the easiest partygoer to spot. Look for the sweaty top lip and the slightly manic grin that never moves. Most importantly though, keep an eye on the ever-shrinking distance between the creep and his prey. If, by the end of the party, a boss is near enough to inspect his employees’ dental work, then you can be sure you’re dealing with one.

If you’re having a party in the next week, have a great one and please don’t think I’m being a little cruel with my observations. This is the girl who sang in a Marilyn Monroe voice complete with bum wiggle “I wanna be loved by you” to the boss of YTV in front of the Emmerdale cast. Been there, done that and, as yet, I’ve never lived it down. Party on!