Dressing to impress is not so easy (From Bradford Telegraph and Argus)

Dressing to impress is not so easy

8:50am Tuesday 9th December 2008 in Columnists By Debbie Lindley

My Christmas party dress, or should I say lack of one, has been causing a little bit of concern this week. I'm not the most fashion-conscious person you'll ever meet, but I admit I do like to pretend, even for just one evening, that underneath my often-seen pyjama tops and tracksuits bottoms, I could give Marilyn Monroe a run for her money.

OK, so by the end of the evening I could, and probably will, look like Marilyn Manson, but at least I could say that I tried.

Each year I seem to go through the same stages in choosing an outfit - September: start looking, October: start dieting, and finally, December: start panicking.

The choice available amazes me; shoulder or no shoulder, short or long, even push 'em up or suck it in.

One thing they all have in common is they are more or less impossible to get into but let's be honest it doesn't really stop us trying them on all the same, does it?

Hubby Graham can't see why I get myself in such a tizzy, but then he would say that wouldn't he? This is a man who has only ever bought two tuxedos in his life and, even though there's roughly 12 months between wearings, it fits each and every time.

It's not fair, especially when you consider what most of us ladies go through in a changing room. These things should be blasted into space, never to return. Not only does the outfit in question refuse to comply with the zipper instructions, but the changing room curtain - usually with three rings missing - seems to be determined to cause as much humiliation as possible by ensuring each time you bend down your bottom sticks out for everyone to laugh at.

This brings me nicely on to my second pet hate, why is it that the one time you are in a public area, you are guaranteed to be wearing the world's worst underwear? Some people call it Murphy's Law, like the only time you lose your mobile phone you are guaranteed to have put it on silent ten minutes before.

The torment doesn't end there. Once you've got your dress sorted it's time for the accessories, you know the kind of thing - jewellery, handbag, high heels you've never worn before and plasters to stop you walking to the taxi rank like John Wayne. Last year, I even went to the effort of buying some gel inserts to wear in the front of my shoes. They worked a treat for at least the first two hours, but when we got back to the room it appeared as though one of them had gone AWOL, I've not found it yet, a whole 12 months on.

As for this year, I still have no idea what I'm going to settle for, but I have a few ideas. It's got to be long, plain and with the option to pull it in in a few places. Yes, this year I'll be wearing the cubicle curtain!