The abyss gazes also into you...

8:35am Friday 21st November 2008

A High Court injunction forbids me (and anyone else) from talking too much about the leaked list of British National Party members that appears to have found its way on to the web, probably due to the efforts of a disgruntled former foot-soldier of the right-wing organisation, but let’s see if we can’t spin it out to fill this column while remaining, of course, in the letter of the law that I’m sure we are all pleased has acted so thoroughly to protect the BNP and its members.

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Perfect pud, for batter or worse

8:48am Friday 14th November 2008

Question: What is exactly four inches in diameter, has the chemical composition carbohydrate + H2O + protein + NaCl + lipids, and must never, ever be flat or soggy?

One very satisfied customer

4:08pm Friday 7th November 2008

You might think that in these credit crunch – nay, recessionary – times, customer service would be something that businesses were putting a bit more effort into.

Why we’re glad to be bone idols

8:32am Friday 31st October 2008

My son Charlie will be spending today dressed as a skeleton, it being Halloween and all.

Long wait makes you sick

10:11am Friday 24th October 2008

I’m obviously tempting fate by doing this, and as I type I’m trying my best to touch the nearest wooden thing to hand, which is in fact the vinyl surface of my desk, although presumably it has some kind of wood-based innards, but I don’t get ill very often.

Face facts: maybe it’s not all bad

8:30am Friday 17th October 2008

Buried behind the rolls of Christmas wrapping paper that we always forget we’ve got when the festive season comes around, a tent not used since 2002, and sundry random items including, but not limited to, tin kettles, our wedding photos and a Dust Devil hand-held vacuum cleaner that actually blows debris around whatever you’re cleaning, I chanced upon almost a hundred copies of Nineties magazine The Face, which I’d obviously put there for safe-keeping when we moved into the house.

Who needs Project Mayhem?

8:55am Friday 10th October 2008

The first rule of Fast Forward is... you do not talk about Fast Forward.

Mammoth task for a new man

8:49am Friday 3rd October 2008

I am man – hear me roar! I have done the impossible – fixed a problem with the hot water that has seemed to turn out incredibly well.

The day the earth stood still...

8:14am Tuesday 23rd September 2008

If you were granted the power of invisibility, would you: a) Sneak into a pretty girl’s house and watch her getting ready for bed?

The week the Earth didn’t move for me

8:51am Tuesday 16th September 2008

Is it safe to come out yet? Hmm. As I emerge from my underground bunker, where I have existed on tinned beans and bottled water for the past week, it seems that the Large Hadron Collider, which was turned on in a subterranean experiment beneath the Swiss-French border last week, has singularly failed to destroy the world.

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