Men, don’t adhere to undies tips

8:42pm Monday 11th February 2008

Here we go again - if I were male I'd be screaming at the barrage of patronising advice that fills newspaper columns in the run up to Valentine's Day.

Every year they ramble on about how useless men are at shopping for women's undies.

If, as reports remind us every year, 90 per cent of lingerie bought by men for their partners is returned, why don't they simply write it off as a bad job and buy them something else instead?

It's not as if the tips doled out to them are going to help. Take the following:

• Look in your partner's underwear drawer and take note. Look at colours and sizes.
  
  This is the worst piece of advice you can give a man. It is a well-known fact that millions of women hoard mismatched, discoloured, ill-fitting undies, some of which never see the light of day. One-in-ten women own bras and pants up to 20 years old. If my husband rifled through the chaotic muddle that constitutes my underwear drawer, he would assume I loved knickers that look more like dish cloths and tatty bras that started out white but are now closer to a shade of nicotine. Even the gloves I keep in there don't match.

• If everything in her drawer is white cotton, she will not appreciate a leopard print thong.
  
  Isn't the whole idea of presents to treat someone to get them something out-of-the-ordinary? I always look forward to Christmas because my husband usually buys me a luxury bubble bath, while the rest of the year I use a store's cheap own brand.

A cotton white' woman might love something a bit risqué. (note to my husband: if you read this, I'm not that woman).

• Go to the same stores she shops in for lingerie as sizes can vary from one place to another.
  
  Does your partner know where you shop for lingerie? Mine doesn't. He doesn't even know where his own comes from. Like 40 per cent of women in the UK, I buy his underwear, and I don't think he ever checks the labels. Although he did show a glimmer of interest when Jeremy Paxman spoke out recently about the state of his M&S undies. Also, many women shop in more than one shop. I last bought underwear in Tesco, and I recently bought knickers in a remainder shop on Scarborough sea front - very nice they are too.

• Remember that you are not buying to satisfy your fantasies. Your partner may be more insulted than flattered if you buy her a red light district baby doll nightie.
  
  As if surely only the craziest man would present his Wynciette nightie-wearing partner with a baby doll nightie. It would go down like lead balloon.

If I were a man I'd play safe and buy flowers (chocolates are a grey area, depending on how happy a woman is with her weight). But if you MUST buy undies, don't go skimpy - research by a leading research company (who else?) concluded that big, Bridget Jones style, distinctly unsexy knickers, are very much IN.

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